Friday, October 2, 2009

I am trying to decide how to go about this whole weight loss thing. No diet has really worked before. I am a strong believer in looking at our past... way back past... for clues on how we (as in humans) should be eating. I was an Anthropology major at one point, what can I say?

While I comtemplate that, this week I have been trying to incorporate more activity into my life. I had a very tough pregnancy this last time and I am still recuperating. I had pretty bad pelvic problems, which are slowly resolving themselves. My back, however, is still giving me a lot of trouble. I have to be really careful. But I have been walking more, going up the stairs more often, and did a nice nature walk with Ander in the stroller and Finn in the sling.

I apologize for the thinness of posts this week. Trying to get my groove, so to speak, in life. It is always a bit awkward after a baby is born. I know it has been over 2 months now, but those first 2 months really don't count. It is all a blur :).

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Eating

Today I am dealing with a cold, so that changes everything.
My husband made me breakfast, 2 hours after I had already had cereal. He made me french toast with what was left of the challas, omelet with zucchini and cheese, and turkey sausage. That was pretty nice. I took a nap for lunch. Dinner I had brown rice, peas, carrots, and turkey kielbasa.
No cookies today!
I have also had a TLC dark chocolate and cherry granola bar, 2 whole wheat tortillas, and a few diet cokes and coffees throughout the day. Not terribly bad, but nowhere near where I want to be.
The veggies. Need more veggies. And the water! Gah! I forgot about water today.
I need to brainstorm some ideas on ways to get to eating better, and what I view as "better"... another time, when I'm not feeling miserable. Off to bed...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

"Before"



My question to you all... how old do I look?

Measurements

I can't even remember the last time I took my measurements. I did it today, however. They are in the sidebar. I plan on taking photographs as well, I just need to wait for the camera to charge.

I was going to start a food log, and just thinking about that makes me cringe. Lets take today, for example. I ate like crap. All day. Crap. Why? I didn't have time. Woke up, have baby in arms. Drink coffee (Mom bought us a Keurig, you can do that one-handed easily). Grab a cookie to eat as I'm doing stuff. Grab another cookie. They happen to be right on the counter. Easy to grab.

Next thing I know we're off running errands. I'm really hungry. We're broke, though, so no drive-thru for us. First stop, however, is Great Harvest Bread Co. The kids have coloring sheets to turn in for a free cookie. We also get a loaf of Challas and I get a muffin to tie me over until lunch.

After errands we get home and the kids are hungry so the older ones make themselves food while I deal with a grumpy baby. I grab a slice of challas to eat while I deal with the baby. And a Diet Coke. And another slice of bread. Oh, and a cookie. Maybe it was two.

Ahh, quiet. Finally some peace. Youngers are napping, olders are playing outside. I sit down and relax. Finally get some work done, posting some items on Amazon to sell. Baby wakes about 20 minutes later. Then the toddler. Now it is time to start dinner.

Need to hurry, the baby is super fussy tonight and won't stand to be put down for more than a few minutes. I make the kids tortellini with some olive oil and pepper, little mozarella on top. Peas and sliced cucumber. Glass of milk to the side. Baby is screaming, so I nurse him. Cleaning up the table I take a few bites of tortellini. Time to try to get the two youngest down for bed.

Got them both down, I grab another slice of bread to go with my small serving of leftover egg noodles with beef and green beans. I grab a Fresca to drink as well. I veg out on Facebook while I eat. I'm still hungry.

I normally don't eat so much damn bread. And the Fresca is normally not around, either. And I try to eat at least a bowl of cereal in the morning, but sometimes that doesn't work. I'll probably pig out on various convenience food tonight because I am feeling ravenous. I am breastfeeding so that just makes me so hungry all the time. When I don't get enough to eat I just feel like I need to eat as much as I can get my hands on.

During pregnancy I drank a ton of water, about 100-120 ounces a day. Now I just have a hard time remembering. I drink about 20 ounces a day now, sometimes. Sometimes I forget and all I have during the day is coffee and soda. That needs to change. I also forget to take my prenatal vitamin. So I don't even have that to help me out.

I know my habits are unhealthy, and I know what I need to do to change. It just has been so difficult. And I'm scared. I like my food. I like to keep eating and eating, it makes me feel good. Well, kinda. It also makes me feel like a fat pig with no self-control. But it tastes good. Kinda. Well, normally it doesn't taste good because we can't afford good food right now. So why am I eating it?

Friday, September 25, 2009

According to this article, the french want to put a health warning on ads that show photochopped models saying it is detrimental to your psychological health. Makes sense to me.

I'm Fat

There is no way around it. I am, simply put, fat. I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks. You see, I had a baby 2 months ago. He is my fourth. That normally would exempt me from worrying about my weight but I was overweight when I became pregnant. And when I became pregnant with #3. And #2. The amount of overweightness, however, continued to grow with each pregnancy, and it is just simply out of control.

I am out of breath and my legs burn by the time I reach the top of the stairs. I ache when I wake in the morning. I feel like crap. Something has got to change.

I weighed myself today. Something does have to change.

I am 5'10 so I have some more leeway as far as how much I'm "allowed" to weigh. Growing up I was underweight and doctors tried many things to get me to gain. It never worked. I was just a skinny kid. I didn't start putting on weight until I was about 22. Then I gained enough to look like a woman. At my most, during my period of lots of beer drinking, I weighed 140. And I looked damn good. When I became pregnant with my first at the age of 25 I weighed 135. Within two months I was in maternity clothes and putting on the pounds. By the time my son was born I had been on bedrest for 3 months, eating non-stop all the while. I reached 200 pounds that pregnancy.

Long story short I sat at a "comfortable" 185 for several years after my first two were born. There was a period of time where I became vegan and easily dropped down to 150. I also just had a divorce and was happy and energetic. I danced with the kids daily. Hiked several times a week. The world was opened up to me, I was eating healthy, and life was good. Then I began dating the man who is now my husband. Life was still good, but priorities changed. I stopped being vegan at first when we went out, completely by the time we moved in together. I did other things and ate more, more often. All the weight came back. Back to my good ole 185.

I've been married to my husband for 5 years now. I had two more babies during the last 2 years. I weighed myself today. I am 221. 86 pounds heavier than where I was pre-children. I'm unhealthy. I hate it. I feel guilty, stressed, ugly, hideous even. I want it to stop. Now.

I used to smoke. It was hard to quit smoking. It was really, really, really hard. It has been years and I still wish sometimes I could just buy a pack of cigarettes and be a smoker for an evening again. I hated that panicky feeling I would get right before I was going to try to quit. But even that was easier than losing weight. I hated the stigma that went along with being a smoker. I hated having to hide it from people. I didn't want people to know that I, as a Mom, actually smoked. I felt judged. Eating, there is no judging. People expect me to eat. It isn't crazy for someone to eat at McDonalds. People are not going to look down on me if I order a dessert, or buy a package of cookies with my groceries. Nobody is around when I eat the entire package by myself. I'm addicted. It is scary. I plan to do something about it. And I keep getting that panicky feeling, just like I did before I quit smoking.